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A Time for Tenderness and Truth

Thunder is rumbling and rain falling gently, making our farm feel like a cozy island.

I’m down in my granny flat office, snug under a fuzzy red blanket, listening to the goats rattle around under the house as they stay nice and dry out of the rain.

It’s been quite a week for me, and I’m so thankful for this day of rain-drenched peace and solitude to reflect and remember and celebrate.

Last week was rough. The #MeToo conversations triggered a reaction to things I thought I’d already worked through. Molestation, assaults, abuse – I thought I’d plumbed the depths of those experiences and healed from them, but there was an aspect I hadn’t addressed yet.


It’s strange and deeply sad to me that when we’re violated or abused by others, we still manage to blame ourselves, believing that if only we’d been strong enough, brave enough, wise enough, those people wouldn’t have harmed us.

That blame breaks the innate trust we have with ourselves, and leaves us open to manipulation and abuse by unscrupulous people who will prey on that brokenness.

Over the past week I’ve been healing that relationship with myself.

I revisited those times of abuse and forgave myself for not being able to keep me safe and protected, for disconnecting and numbing in order to get through it, for not knowing how to heal and thrive.

I wrote and spoke to myself about what it really felt like. How scared I was, how I believed no one could ever love me after those things, how I couldn’t trust anyone because I couldn’t trust myself.

And I praised that younger self for being so brave and strong and resilient.

It was an exhausting week, but a beautiful one. With each memory revisited, those broken places were healed and strengthened, and I felt myself come back to life in ways I didn’t even realize had gone dormant.

I was able to ask for help and comfort without feeling shame.

I was able to care for myself without false guilt or anxiety, because I’m worth caring for.

And I was able to look to the future with courage, because I don’t feel alone anymore. Whatever happens, I have me.

I’ve mended and rebuilt relationships with others, but now I’m doing it with myself. It’s rather strange and rather lovely, and I’m so thankful to be here mending and building instead of breaking.

For many years I’ve had a hard time answering the question: “What do you want?” It’s a difficult thing to know when you’re disconnected from yourself. This week has brought beautiful clarity. I can answer that question now, with ease and assurance, and it’s quite a thrill for me.

Knowing what I need and what I want is also rather strange and rather lovely, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Seven years ago, Bear said I could have the granny flat as my spot, to do with as I wished. Several times I cleaned it out and set it up, but I didn’t know what to do with it, so it became a storage shed instead.

Healing my relationship with myself changed that. I know what I want to do with it now. I had such fun opening the door this weekend and starting the process of making it mine, truly mine.

“A nice little cave” is how Bear described it when he came in, and it made me smile because that’s exactly how it feels to me too. I’ve been sorting and organizing, throwing out so much stuff that simply isn’t me anymore. I’ve got a lot to do, but already there’s so much happiness in here, pictures that inspire me, books that delight me, quirky little bits and pieces that make my heart grin.

It’s amazing what can happen in a life with a bit of truth and a whole lot of tenderness. xo

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Karin@yumandmore - Oh Krista, you are so right. Me too was a such difficult but healing time. So much came up for me too. Things that I had put behind me and other things more recent I had not. Being able to talk about them with my new love, without judgement from him, explaining how scared I was and how angry that women have to have forced sex simply to protect themselves from worse things. Also how much we blame ourselves put being too naive, for having known better all this blabla in our heads that excuse the aggression and mental and physical hurt.
But I also feel free again and can forgive myself and move on and put it behind me. Just seeing the reactions of so many people about how common this aggression is in our daily lives as girls and women was sad but also I felt like we were all screaming together to be heard and for change to happen. Even conservations with our teen kids was helpful because they need to change tomorrow for the better.
Your beautiful pictures in this post soothed me this morning leading me to the last step of inner peace rather than panicked outrage.
Thank you for your honesty and courage my dear – feel hugged from afar. And I sure do envy you your cave. Enjoy it to the max and the wonderful man who recognizes your needs and selflessly helps find solutions before you even know you need them xoxox

Jackie Smith - In a way our move prompted much soul searching and a need to clean out things. I liked your phrase, ‘things that aren’t me anymore’ and I realize that much of what we gave away, dumped or sold were things that just weren’t me anymore. I am constantly asking myself, “What do you want (to be. . .to do. . .to have. . .to create. . to leave behind as your life’s legacy?) It is a moving target and constantly changing. Sometimes it is good to wrap yourself in a blanket and ponder such things.

Vesna - Wonderful photographs and thoughts on inner searching and healing, Krista! Another interesting and inspiring read! xx

Tandy | Lavender and Lime - that is great to have a space all of your own! and do not ever think for a moment that you are to blame for choices made by the adults around you. I learnt that I could not be responsible for the people who violated me. Sending big loves!

Amy - Ah tenderness. So vitally important in how we treat ourselves. I am not posting about #metoo. Not because of any reason other than I do not want to. I am so so so glad that you and many others that I know, are currently trying to treat themselves with tenderness. For none is this easy. The trigger is now coming from a place that many found safe. And many need this. But.

So anyway. Thank you for always sharing what you can, when you can. xA

Lorraine - Hey Krista, to look and yourself in such a way is amazing and liberating and only a strong person can do this, another milestone and another hurdle conquered. You are formidable and wonderful and loved dearly always ❤️

Michelle - You’re doing so well dearest heart!
Where were these photos taken Krista..absolutely beautiful!
Your ever well-wishing friend,

Cathy - Krista what a beautiful post. Well done to you and good luck with the granny flat 🙂

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