The sky is just starting to lighten. Roosters are crowing, the cuckoo clock is ticking, and Fezzik is snoozing happily beside me. We have two wee goats in the house too, brother and sister twins whose mama died giving birth to a third. I hear the patter of their little hooves and small cooing noises as they wake and decide it’s high time I give them another bottle.

I love early mornings at home. They are sacred to me. No matter how crazy the day ahead is, these moments keep me grounded and peaceful and able to handle the day better. They’re especially nice during winter, when lamplight and a heater beckon me to sit awhile longer before donning warm clothes and heading outside into the frosty air to feed sheep, goats, chickens, geese, dogs, and a turkey.

We arrived home a couple of days ago from our medieval week, exhausted but happy. Bear and I have been working very hard the past few months, so this week we took a much-needed rest.

I wake up each morning and ask myself, “What do I need today?”

Sometimes it was extra sleep, others a good walk outside. I’ve made soup, stopped work and watched movies with Bear, crawled in bed early with the electric blanket, an audio book, and solitaire on my phone.

The best part has been waking early every day to spend time alone with my journal and a pen that works, a cuppa and the heater, a dog snoozing beside me as I write and draw and write some more, getting all the thoughts and feelings out so they can be sifted through.

There have been huge changes in me the past few months, and I’m still sitting quietly with them, letting them sink down to fill in the cracks and do their work of making me whole and strong and thriving.

I saw a dear friend over the weekend who looked me in the face and said thoughtfully, “You’ve changed. You look…happy. No, that’s not it, you’re always a cheerful soul, but you look…content. That’s it. Content.”

And I feel it. Down to my bones. I feel comfy in my own soul. I feel safe and loved and understood and accepted in my own self. Life is still as crazy as it ever was, the same old stresses and sadnesses and pain, but my insides are different. I am my own safe place, and that is so precious to me for it’s not something anyone can take away.

In the past I’ve heard of self-love, but didn’t understand it. I was raised in a world where self-love was evil, selfish, contemptible. Instead, self-hatred was prized above all things. We were constantly reminded how evil our hearts were, how deceitful, dirty, and utterly without goodness we were.

They’re such despicable lies.

Lies designed to manipulate and control, for when you hate your own self, it makes you dependent on people and deities for your peace and security. Bad people love to have that control over others.

I’ve spent the last year rebuilding a relationship of trust with myself, trust that was shattered so long ago I didn’t even know what it looked or felt like. I started by proving to myself that I am here for me, always. That I will do whatever it takes to heal, protect, look after, delight in, forgive, cheer for, and grow myself. No matter what.

I am on my side.

And rebuilding that trust has been the most strange yet wondrous thing. It has broken my dependence on others and given me glorious freedom to figure out my own weird little self and embrace her with a whole lot of love and compassion and patience.

It has been a Great Undoing, a dismantling of lies and shoring up of truth, of facing each little choice and decision and figuring out what is me and what is programming. Each bit of understanding and clarity leads to a bit more, with grieving along the way for missed chances and lost moments, and gratitude too, for fresh, new days to live and choices to make from a soul that is getting stronger and braver and wiser and grateful-er by the day.

So this morning I ask again, “What do I need today?”

Connection with a kindred spirit or two, a bowl of hot soup, time to write and draw, and perhaps a few moments in warm, winter sunshine, soaking up light and comfort.

What do you need today? xo