Light & Shadow

Light & Shadow

My brother Evan died last week. It was sudden, horrific, and utterly devastating to his wife, our family, and all those who loved him.

For days I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Grief is like that. It snatches all that is easy and familiar and makes it feel impossible: breathing, eating, sleeping, connecting, laughing. But every day, somehow, I wake up and do those impossible things.

I try to link arms with grief, letting it have my attention whenever it demands it, catching my breath in the moments it releases its death grip on my heart. I see grief as my reminder that I have given and known love. If I hadn’t, grief wouldn’t be here.

I talk to Evan a lot. When I feed the animals and water the gardens; when I’m making dinner or can’t sleep at night. I tell him how much I love him, how much I miss him, and how angry I am at him for leaving us and breaking our hearts. I remind him of funny stories from our childhood, forgive him for the times he hurt me, and thank him for the ways he inspired and strengthened me.

I have two pieces of paper that I write on: Evan – Good Memories, Evan – Bad Memories.

Sometimes death drives us to elevate people to sainthood or heroism and I don’t think that’s honest or fair. We are all made of light and shadow, and to deny that is to deny the humanity that connects us.

So, as I remember Evan – Light Evan and Shadow Evan – I write those things down. Sometimes they’re things that make me cry so hard I feel like I will break in two, other times they make me laugh until I’m doubled over, tears of hilarity streaming down my face. Mostly they’re just little nothings, the simple, quiet things that made him, him. I’ve got light and shadow too. And I hope that when it’s my turn to go, my people will remember them both and love me still.

I recently read something Evan wrote about a particularly difficult time in his life:

“You know what though… I’m glad we went through that. The most unbreakable bonds are those forged in the fires of hardship and difficulty…Not being able to do all the things we wanted to do and dreamed of doing was exactly what we needed to evolve… it took away the external distractions of material things and activities and forced us to look inwards. It forced us to face the inner demons we avoided and address our weaknesses. We resisted at first, but then it became necessary for survival. We had to change our minds, we had to change the way we perceive things happening. Life is a never-ending succession of lessons to be learned…The inner work we put in will allow us to move on to the next lesson… let’s become life lesson experts together, let’s see every problem as an opportunity to create a solution… our own little life game we’ll play.”

These words make me smile because they are so Evan. In many ways, he was a hermit. He only had so much energy for people and then he was DONE and would have to skedaddle into silence until he was ready to connect again. Then he’d swoop in out of nowhere like a hurricane of love and encouragement and support, the best cheerleader you could ever hope for, brimming over with all the wisdom and affection he could lavish on you until he disappeared again. Like a burly Viking fairy godmother. For a long time that hurt me. It felt like rejection and abandonment every time he’d disappear. But then I realised it was just him, his light and shadow, and with understanding, came peace. I could be my own cheerleader, my own rock of support and love and encouragement. I could take those Viking fairy godmother moments from my brother and speak them to myself every day. I could take the pain I felt from his disappearances and make sure I don’t do that to my people. Just because I understand his shadow side, doesn’t mean I need to repeat it.

I love that Evan never stopped learning and growing. Ever. I loved our Viking fairy godmother chats because they were chockablock full of all the things he’d been pondering and wondering and thinking through in his hermit time. His last message to me was brimming with love and affection. He told me how proud he was of me for facing the traumas of my past and making a new, beautiful life out of the ashes of the old one. He was so happy I had found Bear and that I was safe and loved and had an amazing tribe of people who truly have my back. He never called me Krista, only Girl. “Girl,” he’d say, “You’ve got this. You’re amazing and strong and smart and creative. I love you and I’m proud of you.”

I can’t travel to the States for Evan’s funeral, so Bear and I are having a ceremony here too. Evan always wanted a Viking funeral, so we’re building a Viking longboat to honour him. I think he’d smile at that.

“Girl,” he’d say. “That’s awesome.”

XO
Down by the River

Down by the River

The wind is hurtling through the trees this afternoon bringing glorious coolness that made it downright pleasant working outside. Bear and I designed, cut, shaped, and sanded cutting boards for my Etsy shop today, stopping regularly for chats and cuddles with the dogs and basking in cool breezes in the shade of the shed. I love working with him and working with wood, getting covered in fragrant sawdust, seeing the wood grain come through beautifully as we sand away layer after fine layer. Soon I’ll find a comfy spot and sit down to wood-burn designs into each board, oil them with linseed oil, then wrap them in oh-so-cheery Christmas paper to send to clients around the globe. I know it’s a tiny thing, but it makes me happy to be able to turn a simple and practical board into something just a little bit magical to bring joy to folks as they chop onions for soup or mince fresh herbs to add to a salad. I think even little bits of magic or beauty can make the difficulties of life a bit easier to bear.

This week I had another wonderful kinesiology session with my dear friend, Kerry, and started physical therapy to help my lungs get strong and healthy again. It’s been over a year since I could breathe properly, but each week it gets easier and that delights me no end. Two weeks ago I was able to sleep through the night, last week I got to start exercising again, going for short walks before my chest started rattling and wheezing. Today I was able to work outside with Bear and there’s no rattling or wheezing!! Hooray!!! We’re big into celebrating small achievements over here, so it’s ice cream for all after dinner tonight.

Queen Anne's Lace flowers

Yesterday I was in town for a full day of meetings, so I packed a delicious lunch – smoked trout crepes and green bean salad with feta and basil – and drove to my favourite spot by the river.

white flowers in the grass

It’s a gorgeous place, the riverbanks lined with wildflowers and lush, green grass and towering gum trees filled with hundreds of white cockatiels riding the branches swaying in the wind. It’s a lovely spot for resting and daydreaming and planning.

seed pods by the river

I love sitting there, my car pulled right up to the water’s edge, watching the river, the birds, and the grasses and flowers dancing with the breeze.

flowers by a river

Normally, there’s not a soul there, but yesterday who should appear but my friend Kathryn! It was so fun to see her and catch up on the last few months and get excited about going hiking together again once my lungs are better. She leads adventure therapy outings all over the region – mountain biking, hiking, camping, the works. I love going adventuring with her and discovering hidden gems of natural beauty in the mountains and forests near us.

green seed pods

After she left I hunkered down again, smiling contentedly as I finished eating and spent time writing in my journal, reading a little, and looking out the window a lot. All of a sudden, all the cockatiels decided it was time to mosey along and the sky was filled with hundreds of birds, their white feathers brilliant against the green of the trees as they swooped and soared. Such moments are breathtakingly wonderful.

Eventually, it was time to return to work, but I returned with a light and merry heart, bolstered by wondrous nature and a chance encounter with a lovely friend.

Queen Anne's Lace by the River

Back on the farm, the sun is sinking lower in the sky. We’ve tucked all the animals away for the night with plenty of food and water, work is done for the week, and now we get to start the weekend.

Queen Anne's lace flower

Tomorrow there are fallen trees to chop for firewood, a new fence to build, and trees to prepare for planting down the driveway to replace all the ones we lost in the drought. But this evening we’ll rest, eat our celebratory ice cream, and watch a movie. It’s going to be a good weekend. xo

Planning My Good Life

Planning My Good Life

When I look outside today I can’t help but smile. There is green grass as far as I can see, across the farm yard, over the hills, and disappearing into the woods. New Year’s Day gave us the greatest gift – a deluge of rain. My joy and relief is deep, my gratitude unbounded. It was such a wonderful way to start this crazy new year, a vivid reminder that no matter how bad things get, the good will come.

I worked right up until Christmas Eve so I could have a proper holiday. Two full weeks of all the things that restore and rejuvenate: naps, good food, watching rain fall, reading books, coloring, and cutting out pictures and words for my 2021 vision board.

Creating a vision board each year has become a treasured tradition. I love removing last years images and phrases, smiling to myself at how they unfolded over the year in mostly unexpected ways, observing how much I’ve changed, grown, and learned, noting which values stayed the same and which ones altered. It’s such a good time of reflection, gratitude, grieving, letting go, then shifting into this new year with the dreams, goals, plans, and hopes I have now.

vision board 2021 picture

This year I put my vision board together on the day domestic terrorists broke into the Capitol in DC. Watching the horrible scenes unfold filled me with grief, anger, and a deep sense of helplessness. I let myself watch and feel and talk out everything with Bear, and then I turned away from what I have no control over, to something I do: planning the life I want to experience this year.

vision board 2021 1

There are things I want to grow, make, build, see, explore, purchase, taste, and share.

I want a chicken that lays blue eggs, a potting shed with all my tools at the ready, and coffee dates with people I love, respect, and enjoy.

I have plans for hikes in the rain forest, camping in the mountains, cheese-making, and wine-brewing.

I’ll continue to study more about indigenous land care, history, and traditional medicine.

I want to get better at foraging and fermenting, learn how to make our orchards and vineyards more productive, and plant more flowers.

Some of the things on my vision board are obvious, but others are special secrets known only to me. Special things I’m treasuring until I’m ready to share them with the world.

The world may feel topsy-turvy, wobbly, and wonky, but we still have choices, so many choices that will make our lives, and the lives of our loves, so much better and easier.

What are some good things you’re choosing for your life this year? xo

What I Can and Homemade Mustard

What I Can and Homemade Mustard

Wind continues to howl through the tree tops for the third day in a row, scattering leaves and branches around the farm yard and keeping us nice and cool. Since we’re only one month away from the blistering heat of summer, I’m overjoyed by every cool day we get.

We had luscious rain last week, truly glorious. It sank deep into our parched soil, washed dust off every leaf and limb, and sent newly-planted seeds shooting up into seedlings faster than I’ve ever seen. It is absolutely amazing to look outside and see green grass where we haven’t seen any in years. We still need more rain to fill up our tanks and help the land heal, but we sure are grateful for what came.

raindrops on fennel

Post Viral Fatigue Syndrome (PVFS) continues to dog my footsteps, stealing my voice, waking me in the night with a wheezing, rattling chest, and sending me to bed for days at a time in agony of head and body. We don’t know how long this will last. Some have it for a few months, some a few years, and some never fully recover. I’ve had my weepy and discouraged moments, that’s for sure. And in those times Bear gives me big hugs, urges me to have a good ol’ weep, and reminds me that no matter what the future holds, we’ll face it as we always have, together. Such things are deep comfort to me. It is a dreadful thing to feel inside like you’re a disappointment and a burden, and inestimable relief to hear the people you love banish those lies and assure you that you’re loved for yourself, not for your health or energy or strength, just for you.

blueberry tomatoes

So, I have my down moments, my weeps, my woe-is-me’s, and then I take a deep breath and get back to what has become my superpower: finding joy in the midst of it all.

I try to find or create something good every day. Every. Day. Each morning I get out my pen and paper and write down a list of good things, things that will bring joy or comfort or healing or support, and then I do what I can.

Sometimes the “what I can” isn’t much at all: look out the window and watch the birds, listen to part of a really good audio book, have a cuppa with Bear while I prop my head up on his shoulder.

raindrops on peas

Other times, I can do more. I love those days. Days spent in my gardens harvesting herbs to dry and veggies and berries to eat, hours spent in my kitchen blending herbal teas that help me breathe well, sleep well, and not catch flus and colds on top of this PVFS yuck.

Making things is my favorite good day activity. Homemade cheese, fresh bread, quick Scandinavian-style pickles, that sort of thing. There’s something deeply satisfying about seeing bottles and jars of goodness lined up on the counter that gives me courage to wait out the really bad days.

In my good moments this past week I made Black Bean Pumpkin soup, Cheesy Dill Scones, and Hazelnut Cacao Nib cookies with a generous splash of homemade whiskey.

blueberry bush

Sometimes my good things are solitary, and others I get to do with Bear. A few weeks ago we decided on two projects that make us smile: building a model train set and building a Scandinavian dollhouse. These are things that can inspire and delight us on the very worst of days, and we are having so much fun sketching plans, writing lists of parts and supplies, and dreaming up the looks that will thrill us most.

The train set will be mostly Australian with sections for Central, Western, and Eastern Australia that feature desert, rainforest, and coastline. In a nod to my Canadian heritage, we’re having a snow-covered mountain with an alpine village and a Canadian Pacific train chugging along. We grin every time we think of it.

My dollhouse will actually be a mouse-house, a cozy, log home to felted mice with Scandinavian design, furniture, and implements. I can’t wait to see it come together.

This weekend I made a beautiful little pot of mustard using garlic scape vinegar I made last year. Mustard is so easy to make and, if you’re anything like me, makes you feel downright happy to be alive. I like my mustard hearty and strong so I used whole brown mustard seeds to give it a mighty punch. If you prefer yours more mild, feel free to use white mustard seeds or yellow mustard powder. It is scrumptious on a toasted ham and cheese sandwich or a fresh one using leftover roast beef or pork. I love it in homemade mayonnaise and it gives tuna salad and potato salad a zingy bite that is marvelous.

homemade mustard

Today, writing this post is the good thing I can do, so it’s time for a lie down with a cup of tea and the Christmas issue of Victoria magazine that just arrived in the mail.

What good things cheer your heart each day? I’d love to hear your ideas. xo

Homemade Mustard with Garlic Scape Vinegar

Vinegar Ingredients:

  • Handful of fresh garlic scapes
  • Apple cider vinegar

Vinegar Directions:

  1. Finely chop garlic scapes and place in clean glass jar. Cover with apple cider vinegar and seal. Place in dark cupboard or pantry and leave for 2-3 weeks. Shake once a day to ensure scapes remain covered by vinegar.
  2. Strain vinegar and bottle. (Reserve the scapes and as a pickle.)

Mustard Ingredients:

  • 1/2 cup brown mustard seeds (use white mustard seeds if you prefer a mild mustard)
  • 3/4 cup garlic scape vinegar
  • 1/2 tsp fine sea salt
  • 1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper

Mustard Directions:

  1. Place mustard seeds in clean glass jar and cover with garlic scape vinegar, stirring to ensure there are no air pockets. Cover and set aside for 12-24 hours.
  2. Pour jar contents into food processor and pulse until smooth. If mustard is too runny, add more seeds or mustard powder and pulse until desired consistency is reached. If mustard is too thick, add a little vinegar and pulse until desired consistency is reached.
  3. Blend in salt and pepper to taste.
  4. Pour into sterilized glass jar and seal until ready to use.

 

Good for Me

Good for Me

We’re having the most spectacular weather at the moment with endless sunshine and wonderfully cool breezes sending the gum trees dancing. The drought continues unabated as we return to severe water restrictions and hope, hope, hope for rain, but outside my office is a stretch of green, my green patch that I water faithfully when the wind turns the windmill and fills our bore water tanks.

This green patch kept our geese, chickens, and the wild birds healthy and strong through last year’s hellish season of drought and bushfires, so I’m determined to keep it going again this year. While everything dries up around us after a brief flush of green from a couple of winter rains, this oasis cheers us no end. We love sitting on the back verandah and watching the life that is drawn like a magnet to this verdant patch. From tiny finches and fairy wrens to magpies, cockatoos, grass parrots, and rainbow lorikeets, they all take turns foraging through the grass to find food for themselves and their babies.

We keep troughs of water filled around our property so there is always water available for our animals, our neighbors’ sheep and horses, and the kangaroos, wallabies, wombats, echidnas, goannas, and other species that call our farm home. We can’t do much about growing the wild grasses, flowers, and herbs they need to thrive until the rains come, but at least they won’t go thirsty.

apple blossom pink

While we hope for rain, we prepare for drought and the brutal summer heat. I’ve been working hard making our gardens and orchards as resilient as possible by installing drip water systems, thick layers of mulch, and covering the fences with shade cloth to protect them from wind and heat.

And I’ve been planting. So much. It may sound silly to plant things during a drought, but if there’s one major thing I’ve learned through this drought, it’s this: the land thrives longer and bounces back quicker if it has things growing in it.

So I’ve filled my gardens with a mix of trees, bushes, leafy plants, vines, and root vegetables and herbs. The trees provide shelter for the smaller plants, while the leafy plants work as mulch to keep the roots of the trees cool and damp. The deep rooted plants keep the soil loose and friable and herbs like comfrey and yarrow provide endless fodder for the compost bin and compost tea so I can keep feeding the soil. And they all provide food for us, our animals, local wildlife, and bees while making the land stronger, healthier, and more resilient.

It’s hard work but good work and I love it so much.

blue bowl of fresh veggies

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve planted lilly pilly bushes that are already starting to produce the purple and magenta fruits that I’ll turn into cordials, liqueurs, teas, and preserves, blueberry bushes that are covered with pale green berries, and elderberry bushes that are festooned with frothy white blooms. The apple, pomegranate, and citrus trees are flowering beautifully and we’re so hopeful that we’ll get a good harvest this year. The mulberry trees have new black berries for us every day and the feijoas, jaboticabas, and plum trees are sprouting vibrant new leaves and getting taller and stronger.

My friend Stacey and I have been studying about native bush tucker foods this past year, and we’re planting as many varieties as we can source. This week I put in a native currant bush, a native apple tree, several sea asparagus, and warrigal greens. Next up are native capers, Tasmanian mountain pepper, and native elderberry that produces bright yellow berries instead of the dark purple variety. I love learning about these plants and the ways they are used in food and medicine by the Aboriginal tribes that have managed this land for millennia.

quail eggs in a basket

My other great joy these days is my medieval herb garden. I love seeing the bare earth dotted with seedlings of motherwort, tansy, mugwort, rue, tulsi, calendula, chamomile, horseradish, galangal, turmeric, rose geranium, spearmint, marshmallow, burdock, peppermint, wormwood, lemon balm, yarrow, comfrey, and so many others. It’s even more fun harvesting them, drying them, and using them in all sorts of foods and herbal medicines. This week I’ve been making herbal tea mixtures, stirring together various combinations in big bowls before storing them in glass jars to use as the need arises. Yesterday I made one that relieves allergy and headache symptoms, one that strengthens the heart, and another that soothes the nervous system. In winter I like them hot, but in spring and summer, Bear and I prefer them iced and sweetened with honey or maple syrup.

herbal tea mixes

I’ve been thinking a lot about the choices I make each day. Choices that either support the things I value or distract from them. I’ve been learning to get up each day, evaluate how I’m doing in mind, body, and spirit, and plan my day accordingly, doing what is good for me and the people and things I care about. It has really become that simple, just asking myself, “What is good for me today?”

My life doesn’t look like most lives, and that’s OK. It is good for me, good for Bear, good for the life we are building together. I’m finding new freedom and peace in making my good choices whether others understand or approve of them or not. I love that we can all have different passions, different cares, different things that drive, delight, and fulfill us. We need these differences to make the world a more balanced and loving and interesting place. It is comforting to know I can cheer on the passions of my loves without embracing them myself, to fully support their right to engage in what matters to them without taking it on and distracting myself from the life I am building. I read a phrase this week that thrilled me: “breathe in your trueness“. I love the picture those words create. I clarify my values, confirm my next good steps, then close my eyes, hang onto those thoughts and breathe them in, deep and sure, letting them filter down into my whole being so my path is clear. It makes it so much easier to say no and yes when opportunities present themselves because I’m not responding out of guilt or shame, but out of clarity of purpose. I love it.

What good things are you doing these days? xo