“Everyone craves for truth,
but only few like the taste of it.”
It’s been a soul-searching sort of morning, a time of taking a mirror in shaking hands and looking straight into it and choosing to stay in that Looking Place instead of glancing away or dropping the mirror entirely and losing myself in busy work.
It’s quite uncomfortable, mostly because it’s not all good that I see there. I see fear and insecurity, impatience and unkindness to myself and others, and the weariness that comes from avoiding this soul-examining for too long.
In the old days I would’ve stayed looking at all the bad things, letting them loom larger and larger until they obliterated the goodness that is also there. But I’m trying not to do that anymore. I’m trying to look inward with gentleness. To see those dark places and, instead of scolding myself, figure out how to flood them with light again.
I ask a lot of questions: What do I need to do, think, or believe to respond out of courage and peace instead of fear and insecurity? What can I change, add, or remove from my life and thoughts to nurture a heart of kindness, patience, and much, much love?
I find a good cry helps immeasurably in these moments. A liquid expression of remorse and release and resolve.
I also need verbal reminders of my worth and the value of those in my life, because sometimes I forget. I remind myself that we are worth going through the dark times, wrestling through the hard stuff, making the effort to establish new patterns of behavior that create relationships of safety and belonging and love.
Then I sit quietly with the dark things, the harsh words spoken out of fear, the self-protective reactions that send walls shooting up a mile high, the insecurities that keep me from doing what needs to be done. I picture us sitting on a fence, side by side, chewing a piece of grass plucked from the field as we talk things through and figure out how to do things differently next time.
I’m learning that the dark things aren’t my enemies. In fact, they’re a different sort of light, illuminating the places in me that need some attention and care. I’m learning to pay attention to them faster, to see their presence as an invaluable reminder that I need to stop, look, listen, and change.
So that’s my day today. Not one full of happy thoughts and creative pursuits, but one of soul care so that my little world is a better, kinder, gentler place for the people in it. I’m so thankful that I get to start over. And over and over.
How do you care for your soul when you haven’t been the person you want to be? xo