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Finding Joy in Fear

I’m in a lot of pain today. Have been for several months now.

A few months ago I underwent a lot of tests and they’ve been monitoring me since then. Tomorrow I go in for more, and hopefully we’ll have a better handle on what we’re dealing with.

The last few days have been especially bad and the truth is, I’m scared.

I try not to be, of course. I try to think good, cheering thoughts, notions brimming with hope and bravery, but sometimes the very best thing is simply to have a good cry and blurt out all the things I’m scared of: another surgery, inability to have babies, a whole lot more pain.

So I do, and for a while I feel a lot better and can see clearly all the things I have to be grateful for: I’m alive, I am loved by a dear man who cherishes me whether I can have babies or not, and I have good friends who check on me regularly and make sure I never feel alone.

Those are the things that keep me going and help me find joy again.

The last few days I haven’t been up to blogging, but today I want to chronicle some of the beautiful things in my life that make me smile in the midst of doctor visits and pill swallowing and a body that’s having a rather rough time of it.

This morning I walked out to my garden for the first time in a while and, wonder of wonders, it was not only growing but thriving! (Thank you unexpected rainfall that rescues neglected gardens) I found baby beets, some lovely white radishes, and even pulled one tiny purple carrot just so I could taste that amazing fresh-carrot-flavor. 🙂

We found some treasures at the market this week – bunches of gorgeous kale, lovely new potatoes, and these beautiful white nectarines that remind me of my years spent in California.

And last but not least, luscious, silky, juicy mangoes.

Much to my delight, it is Mango Season in Australia again. The very best time of the year. 🙂

I know a lot of you are going through hard times right now too. I wish I could hug you tight so we could both feel better. Hugs are lovely things like that. 🙂

Is there anything putting a smile on your face today? I’d love to hear about it. 🙂


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budgetjan - I am glad you have a lovely caring husband to help you through this. I live in Queensland as well (Townsville) but our mangoes are no where near ready yet!!! Jealous. Hope you feel well enough to enjoy those lovely fruits.

Ayngelina - Sending you all my positive energy, I know you can get through this!

Krista - I know you DO understand, dear Jenny. Thank you so much. 🙂

Krista - Thank you so much for your kindness, prayers and hugs. 🙂

Krista - Thank you, dear Tuula. That means a great deal to me. XO

Krista - Thank you, dear Christina. 🙂 That is so very kind of you. XO

Krista - Thank you, dear Bethany!! XO

Krista - Thank you so much, Julia. 🙂 I feel so grateful for those good, good things. 🙂

Krista - You are so right, Amy. 🙂 And thank you very much for the hugs. XO

Krista - Thank you so much, Jeanne. 🙂 The not-knowing IS the hardest part for sure. 🙂

Jeanne Horak - Sending you positive thoughts – the not knowing what’s wrong is always the hardest part 🙁 What glorious things you have growing in your garden!

Amy @ Seven Grey Sweaters - Oh dear. I hope all the poking and prodding wasn’t TOO awful, Krista. And hopefully you will know something by the end of it? Because knowing (even if it’s bad news) is so much better than fearing the unknown. Love and hugs!

Turkey's For Life - So sorry to hear you’ve been feeling unwell. Hope everything turns out okay for you. Like you said, you have a lovely man, friends who care…and quite obviously a fabulous garden. Nothing like new growth to cheer us all up! Thinking of you. x

TuulaR - Wish I could take some of that fear and uncertainty away for you…but also I know that you have a good man by your side, that makes all the difference 🙂 glad to hear you’re taking it all one step at a time….Thinking of you dear Krista…

Christina Fields - I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well. Please know I’m hoping and believing positive change is on the way. My thoughts are with you.
ps. Those mangoes look delicious. 🙂

Bethany Miller - Krista, may you find much more joy in life for many many years to come. Peace and healing~ with love from an admirer! –Beth

Danielle - Please know that I love you incredibly much and long for mercy and healing for you.

prikrasneishaya - Oh, friend. You are brave and that does my heart good. Hoping & praying for the outcome you wish for. ((hugs))

Black Fox Homestead - I’m so sorry. ((hug)) I can understand much of what you are feeling and going through. It is amazing how a garden can be such a healing balm. You will be in my thoughts today ~ hope you get to feeling better soon.

Krista - Thank you so much, Kate!! It is so wonderful to have your support and cheering all the way from Sicilia. 🙂 xo

Krista - Dearest Jackie – wasn’t it PERFECT timing running into each other this week? 🙂 It did my heart much good. You make me laugh so hard and that is wonderful medicine indeed. Psycho women sounds entirely too much fun. 🙂

Krista - Thank you so much, dear Lisa! I will go look for it now. 🙂 xo

Kate Bailward - You have exactly the right attitude, Krista. It’s fine to be scared, but don’t let it beat you. Focus on the good things that you have and enjoy those mangoes. Lots of love and healing thoughts coming your way from Sicilia. xx

Jackie Robertson - What puts a smile on my face is seeing your wonderful smile! Coming across you at unexpected places give me great comfort, I always feel so calm around you. My darling girl, whatever life throws at you, you have the fortitude to face, you have already proved that! You are surrounded by so much light and love, (yeah hippyish I know). If you are inclined to believe my amazing Mother she always said, “God only gives us what we can handle”. Much love darling girl being sent your way. It will be alright, I just know it, and of course this is in no way to minimise or exclude your feelings right now. Hey on a positive note, we can by psycho women together :D. Sorry Robbie, get used to it. lol

Lisa Chiodo - Just sent you a message and sending love and squishes x

Krista - Thank you, dear Linda. XO Things are so much better in so many areas, but this one is giving me the business. 🙂 Hopefully it will get better soon too. 🙂

Krista - Thank you so much for the hugs, Cathy. 🙂 They always make my day!

Krista - Thank you, Andrea. 🙂 It’s not OK yet, but hopefully it will be. 🙂

Krista - They are indeed scary, Jenny, but just telling you folks about it today helped me feel so much better. 🙂 We must be a bit ahead of you! We’ve had heaps and heaps of sun, but not too much rain. Although radishes and carrots are growing, they’re pretty small with huge leaves. 🙂 Hopefully the tasty bits will grow more soon. 🙂

LindyLou Mac - Oh Krista, I am so sorry, you do seem to have had a roller coaster life and I had hoped things had all settled down for you now. My thoughts are with you and your positive attitude will help you battle your latest problems. Virtual hugs. xx

Andrea and John - Oh no Krista! I hope everything is ok – keeping you in my thoughts… Andrea

Cathy - Your positive post is putting a smile on my face this morning Krista. Although you are clearly suffering, you are focusing on that silver lining. Sending you virtual hugs your way xx

jenny_atasteoftravel - Ongoing health problems are so scary but your attitude is amazing. Sometimes I have to step back and let fate play its hand but it doesn’t stop the worry. Thank heavens for veggie gardens…I picked the last of the broad beans yesterday and added them to a few leaves of the first lettuce to pop up! Can’t wait for the radishes and carrots. We seem to be a bit behind you..must be the lack of sun here!!

Ulysses S. Rant - Always, K. Luv ya!

Krista - Thank you so much, Dewi. 🙂 XO

Krista - That is an absolutely wonderful reason to smile, @google-01bbdd9fc7f53cd54265810538a0c5c5:disqus 🙂 That makes me smile too. 🙂

Krista - Oh Lauryl, I’m so thrilled to hear you found out what was wrong and that you’re back to full health. 🙂 That is such a huge relief. XO Thanks so much for your kind thoughts. 🙂 XO

Krista - I love that so much, dear Robin! 🙂 Aren’t our dogs the loveliest creatures – even when they’re maddening? 🙂 I’m so glad you have your girl. 🙂 Love you too. XOXO

Krista - My dear T, I don’t know what I would do without folks like you. Thanks for always, always having my back. 🙂 XO

Robin Davis - one of today’s smiles came when I walked in the door coming home from work…tromped through my house to the back door to get the dog. i take her on a walk every day right after work. I let her run around the house for a minute while i went to find her leash. When I came back to the dining room she was standing there, smack in the middle of the dining room table…tail just wagging away. She had apparently found a treat left “just for her” on the table and needed to claim it. That dog! Her face was precious. So happy to have found her “treat.” Not a care in the world that she was not obediantly sitting beside me waiting to be let out but instead being so NAUGHTY! I love her. She makes me smile everyday (almost.) Loveyou Krista!

Ulysses S. Rant - You are an inspiration to SO many around you, K! I believe you will find your way through this ugliness sooner than you think…but in the meantime, remember that your closest friends are always here for you…

Lauryl - Aw Krista, I hope that your doctors are able to figure things out for you soon! I feel like you’ve had a lot of ongoing health problems and I know there is nothing more miserable. The worst part is when you don’t know why you’re sick or have any way to fix it. I went through that for over a year living in Denver. Fortunately, we eventually realized that all of my health problems were related to an inability to acclimate to the altitude. And now that I am back at sea level, I am back to 100% health. I will keep you in my thoughts and believe that your doctors will have wisdom to plan out a course of action for you. Feel better, dear one! xoxo

Ken Powell - Our smile today was when we received a photo of our grandson (who started secondary school in UK), looking so handsome in his smart school uniform.

Dewi - Big hugs to you Krysta! Stay well.

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