by Krista | Dec 3, 2023 | Summer
“Keep taking time for yourself until you’re you again.” Lalah Delia
For a long time after my Bear died last year, I didn’t think I’d ever be me again. The day he died, I went into shock. The following days, weeks, and months are a blur to me now, a hazy memory of trying to breathe, making myself eat, and doing the farm chores with tears streaming down my face as I told Bear over and over, “I can’t do this, babe, I can’t”.
My brain couldn’t accept the fact that my love was gone, that the creak I heard on the back steps wasn’t him coming up from the shed for a cuppa and chat, the ring of my phone wasn’t him calling to see how my day was going, that his side of the bed was empty when I’d reach for him in the night. It felt like nothing would ever be OK again.
And for a while, nothing was. Things got worse. Much worse.
Drought ravaged the farm creating cracks so big in the soil that I could slide my arm into them. Dogs and a fox got into my paddocks and killed half my herd and I spent days burning bodies. “Shiny, Happy People”, a documentary of the cult I was raised in, came out, triggering horrible dreams, PTSD, and severe flashbacks. Bushfires raged, I was hospitalised twice, and a nightmare litigation ensued.
I told Bear, “I can’t do this, babe, I can’t.” And felt him say in return, “I know, darlin’, it’s too much, but you will.”
So, I hung on. And when I couldn’t hang on, dear friends propped me up and gave me the love and support I needed to take another step forward. I went to therapy, read everything I could about grief, and sat with my shadows until I could see them for what they really were – my greatest strengths and the very things I needed to get through this life.
My neighbour helped me repair the irrigation so my plants and trees could have a fighting chance in the drought, I rebuilt fences and gates and made them dog and fox-proof, and I took ownership of my situation and studied Queensland law so I could navigate the litigation to the best of my ability.
In time, things got better. Rain came at last, putting out fires, filling in the cracks, and turning the whole region a dazzling green. Wounded animals recovered, rebuilt fences have done their job, and I’m no longer afraid of or intimidated by lawyers and litigation.
Even more precious is discovering that even though grief doesn’t go away, the soul/heart/spirit, whatever you want to call it, expands and stretches and makes room for peace and joy and love too. They’ve squeezed in alongside my loneliness and heartbreak and despair until they’re all nestled together quite cosily, enabling me somehow to live again. The pain of Bear’s death will always be with me, but as I care well for myself and stay close to my steadfastly loving people, I find that it gets cushioned, its sharp edges softened.
I understand now that I’ll never be me again, not the old me. She is gone. But I can be the new me, the now me, the ever-changing, never-give-up, plant-seeds-in-drought me.
I know bushfires will flare up again, drought will return, and I will lose people I love. Unkind people will need to be stood up to, animals will die, and life will go all sorts of wonky, but I will be OK. Now I know to my very bones that no matter what happens, even when I can’t do it, I will.
by Krista | Nov 26, 2015 | Spring
We’ve had some lovely storms lately, wild and wonderful with good, drenching rain. When they happen in the afternoon, the setting sun turns the skies into a magical canvas of light and shadow.
I love the colors in those moments, plum and magenta, peach and charcoal.
It amazes me how the sky transforms from a clear blue expanse to something out of an Old World painting.
I don’t get much work done on afternoons like this, utterly mesmerized by clouds and light and shimmering gold as the setting sun peaks out from under the storm.
As the rain fell this week, I made a dish I first tasted in Montepulciano, Italy several years ago: roasted pears with pecorino cheese. It’s one of my favorite Italian recipes because it’s simple to make yet utterly delicious.
I added fresh sprigs of thyme and as the pears roasted and cheese bubbled, the house filled with exquisite scents.
On a hot, stormy night, the cheesy pears are a lovely addition to a dinner of potato salad with capers and cold pork with beetroot chutney.
Now Bear and I are going Christmas tree hunting. Every year we choose a live fruit tree to decorate so we can add it to our orchard after Christmas. I really love decorating the tree, so we’re getting it today so we can decorate it tomorrow for my birthday. Bring on the Christmas music and iced hot chocolate!
What are you looking forward to this weekend? xo
Thyme Roasted Pears with Pecorino
Ingredients:
4 ripe pears, halved and cored
1 cup pecorino cheese, grated
sprigs of fresh thyme
Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 350F (180C).
2. Line square baking pan with baking paper.
3. Arrange pears in pan, cut side up. Sprinkle with pecorino and sprigs of thyme.
4. Roast for 20-30 minutes until cheese is melted and beginning to brown.
5. Serve warm or cold.
by Krista | Jul 27, 2015 | Winter
Sometimes life goes a bit wobbly. The last couple of weeks have been difficult ones with my body reacting badly to a redback spider bite followed by a virus and then migraines. Good grief. I looked at Bear this morning as we relived the gong show that has been our life recently and laughed, saying, “You just can’t make this stuff up!”
Thankfully, all is not dreadful. We have twelve baby goats toddling about our farm, and it is not possible to stay discouraged with their cute little selves making us smile.
We had luscious rain this weekend and all my gardens are thriving. Even in the middle of winter we’re harvesting radishes and tomatoes, lilly pillies and blueberries, rocket and fresh herbs.
The last couple of days have been especially painful for me, but today I perked up a bit and decided to make the most of it by baking and cooking. I made a huge pot of chili, dark chocolate brownies, and two loaves of spelt bread. It smells marvelous in here, and it’s a relief to know that even if I get sick again, we’ll have good food to nourish us and keep us going.
This afternoon I was able to get out for a little walk with Luna. It was glorious. Such wondrous skies and rain-washed air and excited greetings from all the dogs as we strolled around the farm.
Even when life is hard, I feel so lucky to live in this beautiful place with my Bear and our menagerie.
What keeps you going through wobbly days? xo
by Krista | May 28, 2015 | Autumn
“It was time to take the pumpkin out of the pot and eat it.
In the final analysis, that was what solved these big problems of life.
You could think and think and get nowhere, but you still had to eat your pumpkin.
That brought you down to earth.
That gave you a reason for going on.
Pumpkin.”
Alexander McCall Smith
This quote makes me smile, reminding me that even during life’s great upheavals, the simple things keep us grounded, keep us going. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, sunrise, sunset, over and over they come, dragging us back from the storm to quiet our souls and nourish our bodies.
Thank you so much for the messages and comments of love and support regarding my post about the Duggar abuse story and the ATI Cult. Each one meant a great deal to me. XO
This week one news service after another has exposed more stories of lies, abuse, and cover-ups, giving voice to many who were victimized in that world. It has been incredibly healing. For the past 15 years we’ve been effectively silenced, told we were lying or exaggerating about what happened, that we needed to “get over it”, needed to forgive and confess our bitterness over the abuse we experienced.
No more.
Now places like CNN are telling our stories. They’re doing the investigations, they’re holding the leaders of these organizations accountable, they’re pressing for answers, and it has brought about much healing in our lives. The sort of healing that comes when victims are validated, their stories believed, their experiences acknowledged.
I hope very much that Josh Duggar’s victims, and anyone who has been abused, will also receive validation and find a safe place where they can grieve, heal, and thrive.
I also like the quote at the beginning of this post because our farm world has been all about pumpkins this week.
Good friends completed their pumpkin harvest and invited us to stop by and collect as many of the leftovers as we wanted. Such a gift!!
So Bear and I bundled up against the frigid wind and headed out to their paddock. We trudged through muddy hillocks and tripped over pumpkin vines and hauled two trailer loads of pumpkins back to our farm.
Our goats adore pumpkins, so we made their day as we hurled pumpkins onto the ground, watching them smash against rocks and break apart into brilliant orange pieces perfect for goat-nibbling.
Note: if you’re ever stressed about anything, smashing pumpkins is a marvelous antidote.
By the second load we were so tired and sore we couldn’t be bothered with smashing anything, and simply rolled them off the back of the trailer.
We were able to rescue a few pumpkins that hadn’t been damaged by rains or frosts, and share them with friends. A few more are saved in my greenhouse, ready to be turned into soup, pie, or simply chopped up and roasted for pasta, pizza, or roast chicken.
This week I’m thankful for those who stand against abuse, who stand up for anyone who’s been abused, and kind friends who share food that comforts and sustains.
XO
by Krista | Apr 15, 2015 | Autumn
Autumn weather is here at last with stunning beauty. Chilly mornings where slippers and flannels are essential, followed by exquisite golden days of rich sunshine and cool breezes. I feel like I’ve come back to life and it is marvelous.
Bear and I have been working hard on the farm pruning trees, chopping wood, planting winter veggies, and using up the remains of last year’s bounty from the freezers so we can start filling them again with homemade sausages, frozen vegetables, and baking.
We’ve been bottle-feeding two orphaned baby goats and look forward to each feeding. They are the sweetest little girls and make us laugh every day.
Our geese, ducks, and chickens have slowed down their laying, ready to hunker down for the cold months. Each time we find a new egg is cause for celebration.
In my downtime I’ve been making wood-burned necklaces for my Etsy shoppe, building up my stock for the medieval markets we’ll be attending in just a couple of months. It’s such a lovely break from hard labor, turning pieces of wood, beads, and stone into little works of art.
Today we took a break from our labors to wander through one of our favorite thrift stores to see what we could find. My treasures are this darling little pottery mug and a bag full of nearly-new cookbooks and gardening books to inspire me.
Our dessert this week has been a fresh strawberry tart with vanilla cream in a whole grain crust sweetened with dark brown sugar. Simple, delicious, and just the edible cheer we need to keep us going through our chores.
What keeps you plugging along when you have lots of work to do? xo
Strawberry Tart with Vanilla Cream
Ingredients:
1 pint strawberries, washed and trimmed
1 tub sour cream
1 Tbsp maple syrup
1 tsp vanilla extract
For the Crust:
1 cup whole grain flour
1/4 cup dark brown sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup butter, melted
Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 375 F.
2. Mix all crust ingredients, add a little flour if too soft. Press evenly into 9-inch tart pan and bake for 20-25 minutes until crust is golden brown.
3. Gently blend sour cream, maple syrup, and vanilla extract until smooth. Do not whip or it will get too runny. Chill until crust is cooled.
4. Let crust cool, remove from tart pan and set on serving tray. Spread sour cream mixture in the bottom of the tart shell, and top with strawberries.
5. Serve immediately or chill until ready to serve.
