The wind is howling outside, but indoors, all is quiet and still.
I’ve been battling a flu this week, knocked flat one moment, wobbly but upright the next. I’m thankful for our peaceful little house where I can rest and recover, and make this down time something good.
Several years ago, my counselor encouraged me to write letters to those who had harmed me. I didn’t need to send them, just write them and get the feelings out so they wouldn’t continue to cause damage within. It was an excellent idea, but at the time I couldn’t. I didn’t have the words to capture what I felt and thought, I could only feel the pain, grief, and betrayal. So I set the idea aside, and trusted that when the time was right, I’d be ready.
Last week a trusted friend suggested that maybe now was the time to sit down and write those letters. That the thoughts and feelings related to those past wrongs were ready to come out, ready to be felt, expressed, and released.
So I did.
I waited until Bear was in bed, for these things require solitude, and then I started with the hardest person. The one whose name alone set my stomach churning and head pounding. And I started to write. And write. And write.
Previously I couldn’t get much past “To…”, but this time was different, the words flowed strong and sure, clear and succinct, with none of the hesitancy and downplaying and excusing that had characterized my first efforts.
And as the words came out, they dislodged emotions that had been festering for a long time, gut-wrenching sobs that shook me. And I let them come. The time for suppressing and pretense is long gone. I know now that for wounds to heal, the crap has to come out, fully and completely, until the wound is scrubbed clean and ready to heal. So they came, shuddering and gasping, until they were done. The crying stopped, my breathing slowed, and the heaviness that has been in my gut for decades was gone.
The next day I wrote another, and another and another. After each one, Bear would come and sit with me, holding my hand as I read them aloud, grinning so big after each one because he could see the freedom and strength they brought me.
“You’ve turned a corner, babe. They don’t have power over you anymore. You’ve taken it back.”
What lovely, empowering, healing words.
I’m exhausted now, but in the best possible way. My spirit is light, my mind at rest, and life feels full of hope.
As I rest now, I’m reminded that when it comes to healing, there are very few road maps and no timetables. We can get the counseling, address the issues, surround ourselves with good, loving people, but until the body is ready, it’s not ready. I’m learning anew to have patience with myself, and make sure I extend it to others, and to celebrate every bit of progress, no matter how small.
Yesterday Bear and I celebrated with a morning out, pottering at our favorite second hand shops, visiting and dining on toasted sandwiches and frappes at a cheery cafe, picking up avocado trees and seedlings at the nursery.
It did us both so much good.
The gardens are now planted with sugar snap peas, butter beans, red-leafed lettuces, lemon balm, comfrey, Lebanese cucumbers, and more of my beloved Pineapple Sage.
Now it’s time to rest again. An afternoon for naps and reading good things and drinking lots of herbal tea to keep the nausea down and flu-y aches more bearable.
How do you celebrate growth in your life? xo
One day I will have some letters to write. It’s a good healing process xx
Wishing you courage and support when it’s time for you to write your letters, Tandy. XO
I hope you get well quickly, Krista! Thank you for sharing about the letters. I think it would do a lot of us a world of good to write some… I’m so happy you have a life-companion as thoughtful and loving as your Bear, to both look after you and be with you as you grow and change. It’s such a blessing! xoxo
Thank you, Sosae. I’m feeling much better tonight. 🙂 I too am so thankful for Bear, and lovely souls like you. XO
Wishing you healing!
Thanks so much, Julie. 🙂
This is so inspiring Krista. You are so brave and strong. I’m so happy you are able to let those terrible feelings go and have Bear there to help you through it all. Much love?
Thank you, dear Sallie. XO So thankful you’re in my life, always there to listen and support. XO
Dear Krista, well done I am so incredibly proud of you. You are doing things you could never of dreamed even in your wildest dreams. You are strong and getting stronger and that is amazing. ??
Thank you so much, dear Lorraine. I’m so grateful for your friendship and encouragement. 🙂 XO
“How do you celebrate growth in your life?” Oh my gosh, I don’t think I ever have consciously celebrated growth in my life as I’ve usually thought of growth as a new chapter or a new adventure and just haven’t thought of celebrating it other than with a toast or other symbolic gesture. Something to ponder. (Do get well!)
A toast is a beautiful way to celebrate new chapters and adventures, Jackie. 🙂 xo
Sobbing as I read this…for you…and for me. ❤
Hugs to you, dear Sherry Kay, and so much love. Miss you and hope we can talk together in person one day soon. XO
What courage to invest the time to write the letters, knowing that the pain would be intense! It seems like a great idea for when one is ready to feel the intense feelings and is able to have a few days after to recover from the deep pain that comes out. Again, what courage! It’s not for the weak, that’s for sure.
You are right, Cheryl. I could not have done this without time to recover. I’m so thankful for that. XO
I am so proud of you! I bet it took all your courage in the world to tackle this task and you made it sound so poetic. I am so happy that you are celebrating the small wins more in your life, this just goes to show you have slowed down and allowing for more patience. Big hugs xxxx
It really did, Lizzie. I couldn’t do it all at once, but I got there. Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. XO
That’s wonderful news Krista. I feel happy thinking of your light heart. Those pretty pink flowers have lightened mine.
Aren’t they the cheeriest blooms, Jan? They delight me too. 🙂 xo
Krista – Beautifully written, courageous and compelling – thank you for sharing this post with us!
Thank you so much, Brenda. XO Your words mean a great deal to me.
Go you good thing- so proud of you. Writing it out has to be done when it can come out, I’m so glad you got it out.
“when it can come out” – yes, that’s it exactly, Anna. Thank you. XO
Wow! Lovely post. I totally understand you. I have written a book also as a healing process One Way Trip by Cris A Santos and it really helped me. It took me a long time to release it, because of uncertainty. Writing is a great way to take awful things from inside you and transfer it to the paper or screen. It is almost like it is not part of you anymore, because is in words and you released it. Well done for writing those letters. Have a lovely weekend. xoxo Cris
Last post: http://photosbycris.blogspot.com.au/2017/09/rosegal-wishlist.html
That is wonderful, Cris! What an inspiring way to work through your own healing process. XO