It’s dark and cold this morning as rain continues to fall, luscious and cool, making our farm vibrant green.
My garden has gone wild with all this water. Hollyhocks are as tall as I am, dill weed flowering beautifully, pea and bean vines shooting up inches every day. It’s amazing what growth a good rain produces.
I’m tired but peaceful after a wildly busy week filled with new clients and meetings, butchering and gardening, photo shoots and writing. It’s been good, so good, but I’m knackered, and today I’m taking a little break to let my body rest and thoughts settle.
Yesterday, between downpours, I did a photo shoot for Plum Deluxe. They’re launching a gorgeous new magazine and asked to feature me in their premier issue. I was both thrilled and terrified. Thrilled because I love the Plum Deluxe team so much – a more supportive and real and loving group I cannot imagine – terrified because I’m overweight and sick, and the thought of capturing that version of me for posterity brought forth all the insecure and shame-filled feelings and fears.
I wanted to hide, to say no, to ask them to please wait until I felt and looked like “me” again. But I couldn’t do it. That wouldn’t have been loving to this amazing body of mine that has carried me through hell and back, that keeps on going no matter what awfulness I’ve gone through. I looked at my broad hips and rounded belly and thought, “I can’t let shame win anymore.”
So I said yes.
And I asked Bear to help me because even when we’re brave, we don’t have to be brave alone.
He stayed out there with me, taking pictures of rigid me, scared me, grieving me, until we got a picture of Me Me. Me with tired but peaceful eyes, with chubby arms and ample bottom and a real, honest-to-goodness smile. I surrounded myself with things that make me happy – Russian tea set from my brother, kumquats from a dear friend, a bouquet of herbs, veggies, and flowers from my garden – and was at rest knowing that even now, when my body is still recovering from the bad stuff, I am loved.
I’m so glad I said yes.
Wishing you the assurance of your worth today. xo