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Forgiveness, Slovenian Alps, and an Orange Yogurt Tart

One of the men who molested me died last month.

I don’t know what one is supposed to feel in these circumstances, but I feel tired. And relieved. And very quiet. Like I’ve been holding my breath for a long time and can finally let it out.

Just before I received the news, a friend wrote about “sitting quietly with pain.” At the time I didn’t have any situation to apply it to, but when this man died, I had a big one.

So I’ve been sitting quietly with this pain. Letting my mind and heart and spirit sort through whatever they need to. I cry when I need to cry. I get angry when I need to get angry. I go for long walks through the bush with my dogs, letting nature and fresh air and exertion have their healing way.

I’ve been reading a lot. Good books that help me grieve. Ones that give me hope. Others that make me laugh. It’s amazing how powerful words are.

 

I’ve also been looking at pictures. Beautiful pictures of sunny spring days in Albania (here and here) and Slovenia, transporting myself to places that have known deep pain and upheaval but have grown into places of incredible beauty and serenity.

For the first few weeks I lost my joy, my passion for the things that normally bring me such happiness. I didn’t want to cook or travel or spend time with people. I just wanted to sleep, to stay at home and be safe.

 

I’m doing better now. Much, much better. Anger, grief and fear have run their course and my heart is at rest. I can think of him and what he did without needing to throw-up or hide away. He has no power over me. I am no longer a victim. I am strong and brave and I am choosing Life.

 

I’m back to cooking again. 🙂 Lovely, sunny things like this Orange Yogurt Tart with a coconut-flavored crust. It goes awfully nice with a creamy cup of hot coffee.

Thank you for being wonderful, bright spots in my life, dear ones. I’m so grateful for you. xo

Orange Yogurt Tart with Coconut Crust    

Ingredients for Crust:

3/4 cup butter, melted
3/4 cup granulated sugar
pinch salt
2 tsp coconut flavoring
1 cup whole-wheat flour
1/2 cup white flour

Ingredients for filling:

1/2 cup butter
1/4 cup plain Greek yogurt
2 eggs
3 egg yolks
juice and zest from four large oranges
2/3 cup granulated sugar

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (200 degrees C).
  2. Combine all ingredients for crust and press into 10-inch fluted tart or quiche pan.
  3. Par-bake for twenty minutes.
  4. While it is baking, place butter and yogurt in small saucepan over pan of boiling water. Stir until thoroughly combined then set aside.
  5. In another small saucepan add eggs, egg yolks, sugar and orange juice. Place over pan of boiling water and stir constantly for three minutes. (If you don’t stir, you’ll get scrambled eggs instead of a smooth filling.) Add orange zest and yogurt mixture and stir constantly for another three minutes.
  6. Remove from heat and pour into par-baked crust.
  7. Place in oven
  8. Pour the orange filling into the prepared pastry and bake 30-35 minutes, until top browns beautifully.
  9. Cool before serving.



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bellini - Time heals all Krista, and will love surrounding you and your precious farm in Australia to embrace you happiness is yours.

Krista -  You are so wise and right, dear Val. I’m very, very grateful to be safe and loved now, and happier than I’ve ever been. xo

Charity - Dearest, I am always so proud of your strength!! You have taken SO much that would have crippled or completely disabled others, and allowed yourself to work through it to form such a uniquely amazing YOU. I am very blessed to have called you my friend for all these years.

Cathy Powell - Krista, you are one strong, special lady.  A big virtual hug from me 🙂

Alina - Dear Krista ,
You are a lovely, strong and talented person, don’t let the past weaken your spirit!
Love

Vandijk Susan -  This was a very beautiful and heart aching and warming post, Krista. Feeling all these things with you, the pain, the beauty, the healing, and especially … the forgiveness… God’s grace to do that is a miracle on its own; it sets free to live again… He knew that when did the same for all of us…
Your photos are astonishingly so full of life and rebirth and wanting to go on… I have been where you are also know the release into freedom to live again when forgiveness releases us from fear and pain and memory… may your every today and tomorrow be full of peace and contentment as you see each moment unfold.
God’s grace be with you
you are beautiful, my dear
hugs
Susan

looking forward to a lovely dessert… thanks for the recipe… will be thinking of you!

Lael - The human capcity to heal and move forward is amazing.  You are obviously strong and proud.  How brilliant of you to let yourself feel the emotions, you are working your way through so they don’t weigh you down for life.  I look forward to your life affirming tart.  You’ve inspired me to bake this weekend.  Thank you.

Mary Bergfeld - I am glad your scars are healing and that you are finding peace with that awful chapter of your life. Your photos are almost lyric in their beauty and the tart sounds wonderful. I hope you have a day as beautiful as your surroundings. Hugs and blessings…Mary

Cailins - Krista, you continuously inspire me with your strength, compassion and positivity.
I am so happy you are cooking again.
Sending you a giant hug.
xo

Ann Hill - Oh my dear, so glad you are healing, and back to cooking. Your strength is endless, your spirit so strong and sweet. I am so honoured to be your friend.

Dewi - Oh darling Krista, you’ve been through a lot! That will make you stronger and a better person.
Big kisses and hugs for you,
Dewi

p.s I am bookmarking your recipe. It looks too delicious to be ignore 🙂

Andi Perullo - “I am choosing life.” Wow!!!!!!! That is such a powerful statement. Know that I’m always here for you. You are AMAZING!!!!!!

Breanne Mosher - These are wise words. I’m glad you are at a place where your soul can rest and you are surrounded by happy things. Long walks and time to sit heal so much. XO 

Psrrn - Dearest Krista,
I. too, was a victim of rape. The pain never goes away completely. Give  yourself permission to grieve when you feel the need. I still find after 23 years, the pain and the anxiety. It will haunt me forever, but don’t let it define you and above all, don’t give it power over you. Give  all your pain to God and your spirit will feel lighter than air. I will keep you in my prayers.
Pat

Corinne @ Gourmantic -  So glad you’re finding peace 🙂 xo

[email protected] - Words are indeed powerful Krista. I have been reflecting on the words ‘sitting quietly with pain’.. You have amazing strength and an incredible attitude to help you overcome the pain. The fact that you are ‘ choosing life’ says it all? It’s lovely that you have found happiness here.

Neil1964 - What a wonderous person you are. I knew that in the moments that we met and talked on that flight. You have confirmed that again with the first sentences of your blog. The power that you hold inside you is LOVE. …….Love for life, love for learning, love for yourself, and love for others, good and bad………….you have a heart as big and beautiful as those mountains……………your journey now is full of healing and acceptance, your feelings do you justice……….  I am honoured that you call me friend………..Hugs, peace and good will to you always Krista….don’t you ever change girl  xo

Ayngelina - I adore your cooking, you make the loveliest things. I am so happy things are turning the corner for you.

Krista -  My dear Charity, your words made me cry and wish I were close enough to hug you tight. I’m so glad to know you, to know you are always there for me no matter how many miles keep us apart. Love you dearly. I’m so happy so many of our deepest pains are giving way to real love, real joy, real peace. XO

Krista -  Thank you so much for your words and hug, Cathy. Both mean a great deal. 🙂

Krista -  Thank you, dear Alina. These things do get me down sometimes, but I’m very grateful that I’m getting stronger.

Krista -  dear Susan, thank you. xo Forgiveness is a strange thing. Just the other day I was wondering what it even IS, what it felt like, looked like. I don’t think it’s something we choose or can muster up. I think it’s a gift, a process, a gradual enabling. Whatever it is, I’m glad it’s in my heart now. xo

Krista -  Thank you, Lael. So much. I’m so glad you’re joining me in life-affirming baking. 🙂

Krista -  Aren’t those mountains and meadows so soul-healing, Mary? I keep looking at them and feel great peace. 🙂

Krista -  Thank you so much for your kind words and the hug, dear Cailin. 🙂 Hugs are such wonderful, healing things. xo

Krista -  Oh Ann, what would I do without friends like you loving me whether I’m a puddle or a rock. Thank you. xo

Krista -  Thank you so much, Dewi. 🙂 I hope you love the tart when you get a chance to make it. 🙂

Krista -  I know you are, dear Andi. xo You never fail to strengthen and encourage me. 🙂

Krista -  I’m so glad too, Breanne. I feel deeply grateful. XO

Krista -  Oh Pat, I’m so deeply sorry. I’m crying now, aching for your pain and sadness. Thank you for sharing your story and your wise words. It’s so hard to not let this have power over me, but it IS lessening, and I’m going to celebrate that today. XO

Krista -  Your Australia has been a haven for me, Jenny. I’m so grateful you guys let me in. 🙂 XO

Krista -  Thank you, Corinne. 🙂 xo

Krista -  Neil, I’m so grateful for your friendship. 🙂 I’m teary now, and laughing, wondering what crazy shift in the universe had us meet up on that plane. 🙂 Thank you for what you’ve written. I’ve read this several times now and feel stronger and braver with each reading. Thank you. 🙂

Krista -  Oh, Ayngelina, that is a huge compliment coming from a discerning foodie like you. 🙂 Thank you so much. 🙂

Joanne - I don’t know what I would feel in that situation either but I’m so glad you’re just letting yourself feel without judging or trying to moderate your emotions.  That’s really all you can do.  And choosing life.  I approve. 

Lauryl Lane - Beautiful, beautiful images. And grateful that you are healing. xoxo

Duchess - You are so brave to continually share this with use. Now that being said, I could use some of that tart right now. 

Krista -  I quite agree, dear Duchess. It is high time for a slice of tart. 🙂

Krista -  Thank you, dear Lauryl. 🙂 xo

Krista -  You always make me smile, Joanne. 🙂 Thank you. 🙂

Amy @ Seven Grey Sweaters - Oh Krista! I’m so happy to hear that that man’s chapter in life is over. He can’t victimize anyone ever again. I know your reaction to the news is much more complex and nuanced than mine. It’s great to hear that you’ve been granted a measure of peace and forgiveness (and I completely agree with you that it’s not something you can choose, at least not until it’s time!).  

Krista -  Amy, thank you so much for what you wrote. 🙂 Today I needed to be reminded of the GOODNESS of this. That he cannot harm again. 🙂 That is something to celebrate most heartily. 🙂

erin - Krista, please know that I’m sending you strength…

Krista -  Thank you so much, dear Erin. XO

Hila - It takes such bravery and maturity to forgive someone for something like this, I’m not sure if I could. I admire you.

xox

Valerie - Krista, you deserve all the beauty, serenity, and joy that life has to offer. I’m so happy to hear that you’re finding an inner peace that will allow to find those things. XO

Katy - Oh Krista, I’m sitting here in tears. But I think I needed a good cry. You are such a beautiful person and I love you.  xxx

Ulysses S. Rant - You are so brave, K. I know there are people close to you who would seek to minimize what happened to you. They’d rather pretend than face the role they played in what you suffered. But your true friends know. And they will always stand by you! Kudos for such an honest and poignant post, my friend…

Krista -  To be honest, Hila, I never thought I could either. It crept up on me unawares and one day the turmoil was gone. I’m so grateful. 🙂

Krista -  We’re just finishing the last of it this weekend, Meg, and it is still yummy. 🙂

Krista -  Thank you so much, dear Valerie. It is such a lovely thing to feel peace after all these years. 🙂

Krista -  My dearest Katy, sending you the biggest hug I can. XO I love you dearly and am so glad you could have a good cry. 🙂

Krista -  Dear T, I can’t thank you enough for your love and support. I couldn’t have made it through all this without you. 🙂

Autumn Beauties on an Australian Farm » Rambling Tart - […] you so much for your kind and supportive comments and emails on my last post. They meant a great deal to me and helped me through the inevitable crash that comes after sharing […]

Barbara at winosandfoodies.com - My dear dear Krista, i missed this post. I wish I could drive to Warwick and give you a big hug. I have no words of wisdom to offer, but I offer you my love.

Krista -  Dear Barbara, I would love a hug from you. 🙂 Thank you so much for your kindness and your love. They mean so much to me. XO

Andrea and John - You’ve been through a lot. While I haven’t been abused like that, I do understand a little bit about what you are feeling. The man who was responsible for the death of my mother passed away about two years after she did. At the time I was in the process of suing him and all that, which would never have made up for what he did, but I remember having such a strange feeling when he was gone. This was many years ago so I don’t remember it so well now. But relief was probably the most apt. I’ve never felt guilty about feeling that way. I hope you find some peace with this news, Krista. You are so strong…an inspiration. Be well.

Jeanne @ CookSister! - Krista, you truly are brave and inspirational to share these thoughts.  Sending you hugs from London and hoping your path to healing continues.

Christina Fields - What a beautifully transparent post. I love the photos that you paired with these words. The strength and beauty of the mountain scenes are a lovely visual to the strength and beauty that is conveyed in your story. May you continue to find peace and comfort. 

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