I don’t want to write this post today.
I want to numb myself with movies and sleep and pretend the events of this weekend didn’t happen.
But they did.
I know they did because I can’t stop shaking. I can’t stop wracking sobs from bursting out of nowhere.
I want to stay safe and warm in the bedroom of the house where I’m hiding from the man who tried to assault me in my apartment this weekend.
But I can’t.
Because there is a restraining order to file, and counselor to meet, and an advocate to get advice from.
Mostly I can’t because if I do, he wins.
That wicked, perverse stranger I didn’t know was stalking me and listening outside my windows, building a fantasy relationship between the two of us until he showed up at my door Saturday morning trying to come in and act out his twisted fantasy.
I don’t know how I stayed calm in those terrifying moments. I don’t know how I managed to keep that fidgeting, glassy-eyed, crazy man out and get my door locked. And I don’t know how I got the strength to call my friends for help after sitting wrapped up in a blanket shaking and crying for an hour.
But I did.
And they came. And held me tight. And they brought me home.
And waited until I was strong enough to call the police.
And stood there in support while the police questioned me.
And gave me my own room with my own bed with a Little Mermaid pillow and two little dogs to curl up beside me and randomly lick my cheek.
And they listened after the police called saying they couldn’t find the man but would keep looking.
And they said I can stay here until the bad guy is found and I can find a new place to live where he can’t find me.
I don’t know how I’ll make it through all those meetings tomorrow, but another friend is taking a day off to go with me because he knows exactly what to do, who to talk to, where to go first.
And I’m so grateful I don’t have to do this by myself.
Because I need to do it.
I need to do it for myself so I’m not scared to go outside.
And for the other women who might be injured by this man if he is not stopped.
Several years ago I was sexually assaulted twice.
Back then I wasn’t strong enough to defend myself. I didn’t know I could and should go to the police. The bad guys got away with it.
I promised myself that if anything like that ever happened again, I would not be a victim. And I would not let them get away with it.
I never thought it would happen.
But it has.
And now I have to keep my promise to myself.
I won’t be a victim – though I feel very weak.
I won’t live in fear – though I am very afraid.
And I won’t let the bad guy win.
I need to take a few days off from my blog to deal with these things.
Know that I love you, am so grateful you are part of my life, and I will be back when I’m ready.