One Brave Thing

One Brave Thing

When we are afraid we ought not to occupy ourselves with endeavoring to prove that there is no danger,
but in strengthening ourselves to go on in spite of the danger.
– M. Rutherford –

Dandelions and Bluebells

I have been afraid this week.

Afraid when I try to sleep at night.

Afraid when I have to leave the safety of my friends’ home.

Afraid when I drive to work by myself.

I think I’m mostly afraid because the cops have not found the man who tried to assault me last week.

For the first few days I told myself it would all be OK as soon as the cops found him. But as days turned into a week and there was still no word, I realized I might have to be brave without assurance of safety from this predator.

And I hate that.

It doesn’t seem fair that the perverse man who shattered my peace with obscene acts and vile words gets away, and I am left crying myself to sleep and looking over my shoulder any time I leave the house.

It isn’t fair.

But it is my reality.

Tuesday I was feeling weak, scared and so anxious. I didn’t know what to do until I thought of the One Small Thing lesson I had learned the previous week. I remembered that even at my worst I can do One Small Thing.

So I decided to try to rebuild my courage by doing One Brave Thing each day. Just one.

Fuschia Rhododendron

Day One: I went back to work. When I got there my boss let me know they had locked down the whole building and would do whatever it took to make me safe and secure.

Day Two: I went to the library by myself and saw strangers who were normal, kind and cheerful. There are still good, trustworthy people in this world.

Day Three: I went to see my counselor. Instead of talking about how to strengthen myself to face that man in court, we talked about how to strengthen myself in case I never get that chance. Then we devised a Plan of Attack should he ever show his face again. It makes me smile to think of it. For the first time in my life I’ve been encouraged to make a scene in public. 🙂

One Brave Thing each day has done much to strengthen my heart and loosen the grip fear has had on me. I still have my bad moments and probably will for a while, but I’m getting better each day, and that is something worth celebrating.

Spring FlowersThank you so much for all your kind emails, phone calls, text messages, and tweets this week.

You gave me comfort when I was hurting so deeply.

You gave me courage when I was too scared to even think straight.

You gave me hope that this darkness would pass and life would be good again.

Thank you.

Much love and big, squeezy hugs to you.

XO

One day at a time–this is enough.
Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone;
and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come.
Live in the present,
and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.
– Unknown –

Time to Call the Police

Time to Call the Police

I don’t want to write this post today.

I want to numb myself with movies and sleep and pretend the events of this weekend didn’t happen.

But they did.

I know they did because I can’t stop shaking. I can’t stop wracking sobs from bursting out of nowhere.

I want to stay safe and warm in the bedroom of the house where I’m hiding from the man who tried to assault me in my apartment this weekend.

But I can’t.

Because there is a restraining order to file, and counselor to meet, and an advocate to get advice from.

Mostly I can’t because if I do, he wins.

That wicked, perverse stranger I didn’t know was stalking me and listening outside my windows, building a fantasy relationship between the two of us until he showed up at my door Saturday morning trying to come in and act out his twisted fantasy.

I don’t know how I stayed calm in those terrifying moments. I don’t know how I managed to keep that fidgeting, glassy-eyed, crazy man out and get my door locked. And I don’t know how I got the strength to call my friends for help after sitting wrapped up in a blanket shaking and crying for an hour.

But I did.

And they came. And held me tight. And they brought me home.

And waited until I was strong enough to call the police.

And stood there in support while the police questioned me.

And gave me my own room with my own bed with a Little Mermaid pillow and two little dogs to curl up beside me and randomly lick my cheek.

And they listened after the police called saying they couldn’t find the man but would keep looking.

And they said I can stay here until the bad guy is found and I can find a new place to live where he can’t find me.

I don’t know how I’ll make it through all those meetings tomorrow, but another friend is taking a day off to go with me because he knows exactly what to do, who to talk to, where to go first.

And I’m so grateful I don’t have to do this by myself.

Because I need to do it.

I need to do it for myself so I’m not scared to go outside.

And for the other women who might be injured by this man if he is not stopped.

Several years ago I was sexually assaulted twice.

Back then I wasn’t strong enough to defend myself. I didn’t know I could and should go to the police. The bad guys got away with it.

I promised myself that if anything like that ever happened again, I would not be a victim. And I would not let them get away with it.

I never thought it would happen.

But it has.

And now I have to keep my promise to myself.

I won’t be a victim – though I feel very weak.

I won’t live in fear – though I am very afraid.

And I won’t let the bad guy win.

I need to take a few days off from my blog to deal with these things.

Know that I love you, am so grateful you are part of my life, and I will be back when I’m ready.

xo

Pink Rhododendron

Window Seats, Back Alleys and The End of the World

Window Seats, Back Alleys and The End of the World

Hello dear ones! We’ve had two whole days of glorious sunshine in Washington after record-breaking rains. Needless to say we’re just a wee bit ecstatic over here.

The sidewalks are filled with Moms and Dads pushing strollers, elderly couples holding hands, and kids laughing and jostling one another.

The squirrels in my yard are practically giddy! I’ve never seen them so animated, chasing each other up tree trunks, skidding through the pine needles, chattering a mile a minute.

Spring flowers

I’ve spent many a happy moment sipping blueberry juice, nibbling spiced cookies shaped like windmills (have I mentioned I live in a Dutch town?), and soaking up sunshine.

On my breaks at work I stroll through nearby neighborhoods, smiling and nodding at folks who wonder why a sundress-clad girl is wandering through their back alley. For the record, neighborhoods are MUCH more interesting when viewed from a back alley. Here you get to see real life: cute old men planting their gardens, kids on their tummies coloring on the pavement, and white-haired ladies gossiping animatedly in the church parking lot.

The yard below is one of my favorites. It’s wilder and more free-spirited than most places, with vines twisting through the white-picket fence and a bright red door that makes me happy.

Lynden, WA

I made myself a window seat yesterday, a rather splendid perch from which I can look out at my sunshiny, green world and be at rest. Even when I’m not sitting in it I like to see it there waiting for me.

Window seat

What are you up to this weekend? I’ve been invited to an End of the World Party and that makes me smile. What better way to face prophesied doomsday than an evening with dear friends eating scrumptious food, watching great movies, and having all sorts of good talks?

Wherever you are and whatever you’re up to, I wish you good sleeps and sunny days.

xo

 

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Sometimes It’s Nice to Just Sit

Sometimes It’s Nice to Just Sit

For the first time in cooking club history, I arrived this week bearing absolutely nothing save my bedraggled self.

You know you’re among friends when they tell you to “come and just sit with us” when you’re so tired you can’t come up with a Japanese recipe to save your life.

Thankfully my contribution was not missed for Darren’s house was positively buzzing with activity as old friends and new friends bustled about cooking platter after platter of scrumptious Japanese food.

Don and Jen brought sushi drizzled with fresh lemon, Robin made steam buns filled with sweet bean paste, Kat made potstickers, and someone brought more sweet nibbles and a box of Pocky sticks.

Japanese appetizers

Jenny made absolutely delectable Japanese pancakes – crisp and buttery on the outside, savory and tender inside.

Japanese pancakes

Sarah made a beautiful pan of Yaki Soba studded with mini-corn, water chestnuts, broccoli and peppers.

Japanese Yaki Soba

Cameron decided we needed street food and grilled us up a pile of succulent skewered meat in a sweet, smoky sauce.

Japanese street food

Toby brought sake and we all crowded into the living room, our plates piled high with deliciousness as we visited.

I couldn’t help but smile as I looked around the room at all those dear faces, hearing them laugh and tell outrageous stories, seeing the compassion in their eyes as they listen to the hard things some are going through.

I’m so grateful for these people. For their good cooking, yes, but mostly for their friendship, their love, and the myriad ways they inspire and delight me each week.